I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
