i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
