Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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