The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
