Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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