I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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