You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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