I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
