you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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