What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
