Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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