it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
