i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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