he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Less talking, more tequila
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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