my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
