Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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