If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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