If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
