Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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