I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
