Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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