There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
