sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize