Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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