She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
