I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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