So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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