remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
