I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
