mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
