and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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