you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
