Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
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Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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