Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
there is glitter all over my balls
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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