i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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