my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
it's like heaven, but drunker
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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