Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
