I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I need to stop coming to work sober
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
