We won't sleep together?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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