My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
