I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
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even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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