I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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