Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
