Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
