so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
