i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize