and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
