In the future we'll all be gay
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
