i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
