Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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