textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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